I didn't have kids. I made too many other poor choices. But now since she's here and nobody back home wants to brave the jungle (that is her entry level hoarding) of her bedroom or closet to send her some clothes I have to buy new. But most of her old clothes have holes from moths, cigarette (MJ) burns, or whatever.
She looks cute in her new clothes but she is now my budget. I don't have money for me yet, just her. Sigh. The soles fell off one pair of my work shoes, my pants (the one pair I wear all week) are getting a bit thread bear. I'd love to get a haircut. But she now looks cute.
I am getting better on this budget thing too (patting my own back right now). I'm better at saying no because that money's gotta stretcccchhhhhhhh! Hey, I want...NO! But can I have...NOPE. Do you think I need...NAH.
So for my kid, I mean mom, who's so expensive I'm picking up so many more shifts too. I have to. Because her budget seems to grow with the season. Lawn care season is here now, plus the shingles are falling off her house, and her medical visits come with co-pays, then we've added more hours to her caretaker's hours. Sigh.
Yep, I've finally had to just say no. We eat in this house. No, we don't eat out. I will get your favorite this or that "soon," my new favorite word. "That's nice. I like it too. I'll see what I can do." I like that phrase too.
I want to rant more...this writing stuff is saving my sanity in the midst of this storm. It did it once before. I am hopeful it will do it again.
She's out with her caretaker right now. I can't get over how much I love these moments. I hate that I have to go to work when she's out the apartment. It's so nice and quiet for these brief moments. I even get to watch television in peace, and it can be as scary or violent as I want.
"You're losing weight." The caretaker told me this morning. I am down three and a half pounds (finally...pray it sticks). But with literally running to work, picking up her meds, sneaking in a class rehearsal before work, waking her, dressing her, bathing her, running store errands often at the last minute for her, and the oftentimes physical labor required during work, I find a good sweat running down my back most of the day lately.
New clothes arrive for my kid, uh, my mom this week. At least she can look as cute as she likes.
I keep thinking about some of what people were saying about her when she was still living at home on her own. They often talked about how disheveled and sloppy she was looking. She was. I did notice now when I compare it to how she looks now. I really did stay away for too long and too much of the year. But in early 2017, I went home at least 4 times to clean her home and to check up on her. It was crazy how fast things would revert back after my visits.
I am embarrassed when I look and think back to then...months ago. She asked today, again, when she can tell people back home that she will be home. I changed the subject. Truthfully, she's not going back to how it was.
My year of hate
I can't believe how angry I am so much of the time
But what I hate is..."