The angst has lifted. It's been nearly 5 years and a lot of the anger and angst I felt in those first weeks, months and years has lifted--some. The biggest hurdle I'm facing these days is taking care of myself. I am just now realizing how much I have put myself on the backburner, so to speak. I had a physical recently and I missed my appointment. I'd made an overlapping arrangement. I took my mom to get her flu shot and forgot about my own doctor's appointment. As for my rescheduled appointment: I wrote down the wrong day and showed up 3 days early. After the third try, I finally made it to my own appointment. As for my personal life, I have missed scheduled outings and events with friends. Why? I forgot. I get so busy with my mom's schedule (I'm finally back to hiring care and sending her off with a caretaker) that my own personal schedule leaves my mind completely, COMPLETELY.
I don't even recognize myself. I was supposed to be at a friend's show last night and forgot. Instead, I was waiting for my mom's caregiver to bring her home, cooking her dinner for the night, getting her situated, and then it occurred to me that I wasn't even supposed to be home when she got home. It was the second time I bought tickets to his show, and the second time I missed it. This is not me.
So I am actively telling myself to putting myself in focus--to see me and take care of me, while I care for my mom (and my dog and my cat).
I look like a mess most days because:
1) I work from home now, and don't need to look cute.
2) I have lost all touch with a social life.
And we're back on a strict (ish) budget. I've thought about joining a gym (since they're so much cheaper these days), but then that budget thingy. I don't know. I just might do it. I just need/want a regular activity that's outside of this apartment and around other human beings. I do go for walks, but... I have to think about it.
Well, that's all I got for now. Maybe I'll check back again soon if only for my own peace of mind and a reminder to check in on myself.
Oh, and what does this picture have to do with anything? Well, I was out walking my dog tonight and the moon was so beautiful, but I wasn't carrying my camera so I could only use my phone. And the shot is just way out of focus, which is just kind of how I feel right now. I mean, I am really happy for my mom that she has a home with family and that she is well taken care of, but I am feeling sorry for myself because I feel like I have to start over from scratch for myself. It was such a beautiful night, and I was standing right there looking at that beautiful night sky, that gorgeous moon, and for that moment I felt alright. Thus the picture I shared. At the very moment, behind the lens, was me: out of focus, but feeling kind of alright, and kind of like I'm ready to focus - so to speak. Like I'm waking up from a very long sleep and my eyes haven't fully adjusted, but I'm aware of my surroundings and in the midst of it all, it's kind of okay.
10/30/2022 12:12:26 pm
I can totally relate to putting yourself/myself on the back burner for caring for another person. You get lost with bring uber-responsible. Self-care requires effort.... and possibly an old school calendar to hang up on the wall to see when you have something to do. Getting caught in the day to day rituals and schedules can cause you to forget yourself (when when you were trying to remember yourself). Giving yourself grace is work and so is self-care. Working from home has left me beyond casual in dressing and my overall attitude. Here's the thing... We didn't get to this place overnight. Go ahead and get that gym membership and use it. It's ok to do something for yourself.
11/2/2022 12:44:35 pm
Hello fellow “Raven”!
How we dive so deeply into those people we care for, and how the tables have turned in the relationship between mom and daughter. It’s a dynamic that challenges all the sensibilities. Introspectively, receiving the beautiful energy of the moon strengthens you.
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I'm just writing to keep from losing it.