How life with caring for my mom is going these days...

The angst has lifted. It's been nearly 5 years and a lot of the anger and angst I felt in those first weeks, months and years has lifted--some. The biggest hurdle I'm facing these days is taking care of myself. I am just now realizing how much I have put myself on the backburner, so to speak. I had a physical recently and I missed my appointment. I'd made an overlapping arrangement. I took my mom to get her flu shot and forgot about my own doctor's appointment. As for my rescheduled appointment: I wrote down the wrong day and showed up 3 days early. After the third try, I finally made it to my own appointment. As for my personal life, I have missed scheduled outings and events with friends. Why? I forgot. I get so busy with my mom's schedule (I'm finally back to hiring care and sending her off with a caretaker) that my own personal schedule leaves my mind completely, COMPLETELY.

I don't even recognize myself. I was supposed to be at a friend's show last night and forgot. Instead, I was waiting for my mom's caregiver to bring her home, cooking her dinner for the night, getting her situated, and then it occurred to me that I wasn't even supposed to be home when she got home. It was the second time I bought tickets to his show, and the second time I missed it. This is not me. 

So I am actively telling myself to putting myself in focus--to see me and take care of me, while I care for my mom (and my dog and my cat).

I look like a mess most days because: 
1) I work from home now, and don't need to look cute.
2) I have lost all touch with a social life. 


And we're back on a strict (ish) budget. I've thought about joining a gym (since they're so much cheaper these days), but then that budget thingy. I don't know. I just might do it. I just need/want a regular activity that's outside of this apartment and around other human beings. I do go for walks, but... I have to think about it. 


Well, that's all I got for now. Maybe I'll check back again soon if only for my own peace of mind and a reminder to check in on myself.

Oh, and what does this picture have to do with anything? Well, I was out walking my dog tonight and the moon was so beautiful, but I wasn't carrying my camera so I could only use my phone. And the shot is just way out of focus, which is just kind of how I feel right now. I mean, I am really happy for my mom that she has a home with family and that she is well taken care of, but I am feeling sorry for myself because I feel like I have to start over from scratch for myself. It was such a beautiful night, and I was standing right there looking at that beautiful night sky, that gorgeous moon, and for that moment I felt alright. Thus the picture I shared. At the very moment, behind the lens, was me: out of focus, but feeling kind of alright, and kind of like I'm ready to focus - so to speak. Like I'm waking up from a very long sleep and my eyes haven't fully adjusted, but I'm aware of my surroundings and in the midst of it all, it's kind of okay.

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