GUILT...ugh...and a rebirth of ugly

Doesn't she look adorable in this picture. I was able to send her off with N for a 4 day bridge tournament in Atlantic City, NJ. It was a nice breather. Although it felt like it took me the full four days to unwind. My personal schedule was still quite full so I didn't feel as much of a break that I had hoped for.

Guilt

I haven't written in a minute and it has everything to do with guilt.
I feel guilty for…
...complaining about my mom and growing to dislike having to take care of her when a good number of my friends have lost their mom and/or dad and would love to spend just one more second with them even if it was just for an argument.

• ...hating having to make her such a priority and finding myself fading from my own view...and struggling to maintain any sort of balance....being perpetually unbalanced with the greater distribution of everything favoring my mom.
  
• ...disliking so much about my mom. When I say she lies, I only wish it was just me exaggerating or in the throws of a tantrum, but I am not. She lies a lot.
  
• ...the only conversations (well the majority of) I have with others about my mom is about her lies and weak efforts at manipulating folks, including me....who is this woman?!!!
  
• ...wanting to stay out of view of my mom the majority of the time. We don't talk like equals. She depends on me to be the mom in our relationship. I get tired and resentful of always having to be on duty so to speak.
  
• ...the ugly in me. My mom still talks about me, lies about me, with me in earshot. When speaking to me she coos and speaks softly and cutesy, but when talking about me, she gossips like I’m that coworker on her job or that lady in her bridge club she can’t stand. I hear it and I hate it.
  

Then I discovered the guilt and anger abandon me when I selfishly...

• take myself out
  
• sit alone in my room
  
• take the long way home
  
• get lost in a book (or tackle the Muller Report)
  
• take my time going home
  
• sit in any of my classes
  
• sit alone in a movie theater watching the productions of student filmmakers
  
• sit at a public table sharing a meal with a complete stranger
  
• splurge on a ticket for myself to a new Broadway show
  
• when I share a random laugh with a friend
  
• go for a walk
  

Currently, my cat is in kidney failure and my mom is finding, in her new home, folks have begun to leave her alone, like they did in her old home, and this includes me. There are traits of my mom that are easy to like, but unfortunately there are more traits that push people away and that sadly push my mom further into isolation. I feel sorry for her. And to tell the truth, if I haven’t already said this, if my mom, the woman she is today, was just some woman I met, I wouldn’t like her very much. She lies to every person including family and friends, and she gossips about everybody, especially family. The stress of caring for my ailing cat and my mom, who I struggle to like most of the time, is wearing me out.
But I think I am still pressing onward all the same. I think I am or maybe I’m just fooling myself. I am taking some steps forward towards my goals. They may be baby steps, but I am taking them.

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